NAVIGATING GRIEF AFTER PREGNANCY LOSS– Part 1

Description

Grief is a curveball no one is ever prepared to catch. Loss at any week of pregnancy cannot be trivialized. Parents mourn the loss of a family member who was to join them. What joys and challenges were ahead? This is part 1 of a 2-part plan that will help us know that God is right there with us as we navigate grief over our children who have gone back to heaven, and trust Him to heal our broken hearts in a way only He can.

 

Day 1 – The Ticking Clock

This was my first pregnancy after a long wait through the rigorous journey of fertility treatment. It was the miracle my husband and I had been waiting for. My biological clock was ticking pretty fast, in my opinion. I had been hospitalized before. This was my second time in two weeks to check in for preterm labor.

I woke up facing the white ceiling of the recovery room. Everything was quiet except for my monitors and the recovery room clock. The nurse greeted me, and I responded in kind. I asked how many babies the doctor had evacuated. She told me two! I felt like she had stabbed me. We had hoped one would be saved, but it was impossible because the doctor found they were sharing a placenta, which was not unusual, so both had to be delivered. They were too young for the incubators and could not survive medically. We lost our boy and girl at 22 weeks of pregnancy. I wept and wept.

“Why, Lord?” Is the question I asked Him repeatedly. We had prayed and pleaded with Him for their lives. It reminded me of King David as he wept for his first child with Bathsheba. Perhaps you, too, are asking Him the ‘why’ questions. Join me in the next few days as I share how God carried me through one of the most difficult seasons of my life. You can also trust Him to help you as He did with me. However difficult and painful it currently feels, He is the trustworthy hope-giver and restorer.

Scripture Readings

Psalm 102:1-5

2 Samuel 12:15-16

 

Day 2 – Anger in Grief

I was very upset with God. I felt He had deceived me, just as the Shunammite woman felt deceived by the prophet Elisha. She had told him she did not need a child. The prophet prayed, and she had a son, only for him to die later. Unlike her, we had asked the Lord for children. Why did He let me conceive them only to take them away? Why does a good God allow bad things to happen to His children? Why does He allow infants to die? I wrestled with these questions, pain, and anger.

My husband was equally upset. We had served God faithfully, and as such, we felt He owed us, which is not true. He is sovereign in all He does and allows. Though my many ‘why’ questions were never answered, the burden felt a little lighter every time I came to weep in His presence. I encourage you to also camp at His feet. The foot of the cross is the highest point of our surrender.

Scripture Readings

2 Kings 4:27-28

Psalm 13:1-3

 

Day 3 – Guilt, Shame, and Fear

Guilt is a tool that the devil uses to isolate us and blind us from seeing God at work in our circumstances. I felt responsible for the loss of our first twins. My waters broke while at a church seminar on a Saturday afternoon, a day after my doctor had prescribed bed rest. In my judgment, we would have sat through it, which was safe enough. Life is a gift from God, and so is its preservation. It was not within my power to have saved them from being born prematurely, and neither were you. “Did I do enough for my loved one?’ Is another question that can rob us of peace. It is a burden you and I should not carry. There are times when it could be true that our wrong choices may have inevitably ended the life of our unborn child. God has promised us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us. He removes our transgression from us as far as the East is from the West. He does not hold it against us.

Shame is a false identity that often follows any form of loss. We feel robbed of something of value, or someone who probably defined us. A woman feels denied the chance to be called a mother for the first time or of another child. There’s shame when you consider any plans you had made to welcome your baby into this world, and now they are no more. It is very good to know that Christ took up our shame, imagined or real, which is now nailed to the cross. You and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord!

Fear, on the other hand, is a byproduct of grief. I became very paranoid. I over-cared for my husband. I was apprehensive whenever he came home late without informing me. I overdwelt on my daughter’s caregiving when she came after the loss. I couldn’t trust anyone with her. I did not want to lose them like I had lost the twins. Fear is an indication of mistrust. Did I trust God enough? I was scared He would allow death to visit me a second time. This burden became too heavy for me, and I had to release it with the help of God and my husband. The Lord does a better job of protecting than I could ever do.

Scripture Readings

Romans 8:1

Psalm 103:11-12

Isaiah 41:10

 

Day 4 – Where does my Help come from?

My employer at the time allowed me maternity leave, albeit with no child to nurse, just my grief. It was a blessing for me because I am largely introverted, and I enjoy my own company. I needed that time to process the grief. Whenever it was too difficult to pray, I turned to one of my favorite hobbies: listening to music and singing. The Bible says that for a spirit of heaviness, we are given a garment of praise. It was very therapeutic. Some worship songs seemed to have been written with me in mind! Slowly but surely, my spirit was lifted.

I also read through the bible for the second time in my life. Some scriptures jumped out for me. I got to see God in a way I had not known Him before. Interestingly, my faith grew in that dark season. There are days I didn’t even open the curtains of our bedroom. I stayed in bed with my Bible. God truly sent His word to heal our diseases. I literally felt like my heart was being stitched up. Jesus binds the broken hearts and fills us with a hope that can only be found in Him. We must linger in His presence even when it hurts. As I read the book of Job, I realized that my loss could never match his. I had a lot left to be grateful for.

Evaluate if you need professional help to process the loss. God has placed us in communities and given wisdom and skills to people who can help us weather the storms of life. I found solace in a support group of ladies who had gone through similar grief. We would meet to pray and encourage one another. We have witnessed and celebrated many miracles along the way.

Scripture Readings

Isaiah 61:3

Psalm 119:71

Psalm 121

Job 13:15

 

Day 5 – Grounded in Christ

Did the storm you have been through or are in shake you? How will the next one find you and me, because it is bound to come?

The example Jesus gave of the two types of houses reminds us that the storm is no respecter of our type of ‘building’. It comes to both: the one whose foundation is sand and the one that is solid ground. They both face the storm, but only one remains after the shaking has finished its work. May our past tests drive us to be deeply rooted in Christ, so that the next one will find us firmly grounded in Him, who is our solid foundation and chief cornerstone. When grief hit me again from my close family members, I was able to handle it better than before. I was able to see God as my ally, not foe. Not that it didn’t hurt, but I quickly turned to God for comfort and to ask Him what He wanted me to learn from it. It is also comforting to know that physical death is not final. Our loved ones who have slept in Christ are with Him. We shall be reunited with them soon. I can’t wait to meet my babies. They give me a reason to want to be there when my time here is done. Will you be there as well?

Scripture Readings

Luke 6:46-49

1 Corinthians 15:54-55